Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in wangery's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
2:30 pm	Weasels I have great respect for weasels. They are both sneaky and endearing. I want to go to Chicago in the next few months. It is a very important trip. I do not like the idea of being in Chamber Singers this semester, but i realize it's important if i want to learn how to sing. I went to my first screening of Rocky Horror last night, and I was the only male in drag in a theater of a good 80 or 90 people. It didn't matter, I had a fabulous look, as if satan himself went to see rocky. Today i will prance in a park with some broad named Katie. Good thing she's not Jewish. Then we'd have to go to the cheaper park on the other side of town where you only have to pay a dime to feed the ducks instead of a quarter. These things do add up over several years, you know. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 7th, 2006
2:50 am	$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ What a silly weekend this was. I spent the entirety of both days pretending to be a servant. I'm not a servant by practice, it's only a hobby really, and so i have to pretend. I go from table to table only putting a smile on my face when certain people see me, because i want them to feel like i'm their best friends in the damn place. I am frequently asked where the bathrooms are. I also frequently see people accidentally wander into the kitchen because they can't find the bathrooms. My weekend...$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The result...__________________ Tomorrow i begin a series of journeys that will involve many exchanges of money. I will exchange money for a train ticket. I will exchange money for a metro card. My father will exchange money for a hotel room, as well as valet parking, and he will exchange money for our dinner. While we are doing all this, he is exchanging money for all sorts of things to and fro. He's very slowly exchanging money for car insurance, as well as rent, living in his town, and student loans. Money is flying around in every which direction, and you can't stop long enough to see if it's real. There's money in every word that comes from the radio, the television, the PA at schools (Naturally children obey the administration and develop problem solving business-casual brains) There's an old man who works as a waiter at the Horizon Diner. He's in his early sixties, has a well shaped white moustache, and mutters everything. Every word he says while he's at our table has been said thousands of times before, to the point that they don't even demand any thought, they are simply in rythym with his actions. He sees the table as a grid, where all the necessaries have to be filled...drinks, silverware, half and half...he can rarely stop moving, because that's what the job is, bustling. Waiters bustle about to get ridiculous things. You can't turn around when you're a waiter. You will be ran into. I tried it twice tonight, got bumped around every time. Taking tables is like jumping into a fast river, and you have to move straight ahead with the current, or you'll be bashed into the rocks. It sucks, i like my job of learning at college. That will be so much better. I want to create. I am losing all desire to maintain anything. I feel a strong pull, and i don't know where it's taking me, but dammit it's determined, and i can't stand doing anything where i can't look forward. Everything about this summer has been static...I need projects. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
7:13 pm	Today has turned out to be family photo day. I found all of the albums from my parents wedding until their separation. I've looked at just about every picture now. This decision will result in me being incredibly emotional for the next few days. It's unavoidable, especially during a week where I've so passionately disdained the way my family has transformed, especially my mother. I miss her, pre-Dave. I really do. I miss my mother. I don't think i'll ever see her again. She's made the popular decision, comfort over happiness. I spoke to a friend the other day about how you get those days or moments where you have absolutely no other choice but to write something. It has to be done...if it's not, you will do irreperable damage to yourself in some way. I feel that coming on...just looking through the albums, i kept getting images, or ironies, it was overwhelming. I look at a picture of a paper that i wrote about my father when i was 3. It says, "Your Dad's Name: RON. Your Dad's Favorite Activities: DOING THINGS WITH MY MOM, SHAVING. Your Dad's Height: TALL. What Your Dad Calls You: BUDDY." It really killed me that at the bottom was my drawing of him, a big face with 4 limbs coming out of it, and the closer i looked, the more i saw my reflecction in the gloss of the album, cut off, held less than a centimeter away from the picture, never there, never there again. My home, my everything was taken away by the one person that made it beautiful. My source of life was ripped out of my mouth, and they jammed fucking formula in its place. I need to call my father. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
12:29 am	Something delightful happened this afternoon. I realized for the first time in months that i actually have the potential to be a good drummer. Not just someone who can play 4/4 and 6/8 rock, but someone who's trained to play a drum set. All i did was work on very simple exercises in a drum book. I stayed on one page for a half hour, and just expanded on the drums i was using. It was so peaceful, so steady. I've only used the book that way three or four times in the 8 months that i've had it. I think that's pathetic. From now on, I will make it a regular thing. I was thinking that it would be interesting to have a musical that is structured in the form of a mental breakdown. The music, the dialogue, the dancing, and the setting will become more purposely delapidated and frantic throughout the play. In all actuality, the latter portion of the play will take much more effort and precision to present, because it will still have to be entertaining for the audience. And i don't want it to be one or two character's own mental breakdowns. I simply want the world to break down around everybody. it's like a dream where you're helpless and distraught, and everyone is going on with their business around you, and they should be hurt and lost too but they just pay no attention. I have those dreams too often. I've started having fun with customers at work. To the point where i'm saying things that i would only say to friends, less than five minutes after the people have sat down and met me. I served a wildberry dacqueri today. It was a table of 7, and they were rather flamboyant and wacky. They asked me if i made it myself. First i said, "No, I just poured the rum." then for some reason, i kept talking. "I did invent the name for it though. Funny story, actually. Originally, it was going to be called a Domesticated Berry Dacqueri. However, i was in charge of taking the photograph that you see on the menu, and when i brought the berries into my studio, i took them to a new level. I told them, 'drop the tame act, you're wild now. be wild for me.' " If i keep saying shit like this, i will look forward to work every day. I have a gay sensei at the olive garden. His name is David. He's a 40 year-old old school queer, he trained me, and i love him to death. I would be intimate with david anytime, i have too much respect for his gayness. He slapped me on the hiney today. I said, "Ooo! Mr. Belvedere! It's not even break time yet!" I can't begin to describe how excited he was when i told him about my queerness and transvestic tendencies. Now the two of us always come up to each other when there's an attractive guy sitting at one of our tables, or an especially ugly one. We make fun of straight couples together. We also are both trying to find out if another waiter who looks exactly like me is gay as well. His name is Kevin, i am becoming good friends with him, he really enjoys the demon weed, and he's recognized every cultural reference i've ever made. Dear god i hope he is not straight. Who ever knew there would be homoeroticism in a bergen county olive garden? If i had known, i would have gotten the job in high school. Well actually no, I was straight in high school, with a few exceptions. I am losing all my inhibitions, and finding out more and more every day what i want out of myself. I've got such fucking high hopes, i had better not get hit by a train. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
8:45 am	i've got about two hours in this morning that i have not decided at all how to spend. I think it's time for my grandmother to die. That's what i have thought the past ten or twenty times that i've seen her. She's not getting anywhere with herself...her physical debilitations are to a point where she can barely comprehend what's around her. Her personality is one where she doesn't appreciate or enjoy jack shit, but is just simply constantly paranoid that she'll lose any of her material goods. She devotes herself to nothing but becoming obsessed and neurotic about the most insignificant things, like the size of her trash can underneath her paper shredder, and the amount of eggs that i eat. These two things have been big topics of discussion with her for a week. What is going on here? It's high time for this one to be sent out to pasture. She approaches everything in life like a threat, she's helpless and blindfolded and she's already in her coffin but she can't even figure it out yet. I see vultures outside the room, just patiently watching. This must all sound awful, but after 3 years of living with this woman, i can comfortably speak this way. She's lived past her time, and she's made herself a burden on everyone else. And she shows not a bit of wisdom for it all. So where's my compassion? Where's my understanding? Shit, she must have it hard, she's had it hard for years. But here's what keeps me cold. She has the same attitude as my mother. She's submissive, yet she's subversive. She treats her own family members like criminals, and investigates them. Scrutinizes their every word and movement. Searches through trash cans. Notices any abnormality in the daily routine and chews it until she hits the marrow. Creeps through other rooms just looking for things. And yet, these are the women who are always trying to "keep the peace", always revered by other family members as having "hearts of gold". Frankly, if they had hearts of gold, they would sell them in a second and hide the profits in a glass jar in a fireproof trunk in the back closet. Where is my mother or my grandmother's heart of gold when they tell me it's wrong if i don't get married and have children? Where are their hearts of gold when they search my garbage after it's been deposited in the garage, trying to find condoms or cigarette packs? Where are their hearts of gold when they watch the news and condemn everything that doesn't fit their febreezed God-fearing "neighborhood" way of life? Fuck this, i'm surrounded by self-serving peacekeepers, who know nothing but how to avoid conflict, or should i say avoid honesty. They are in the front lines of the war to uphold the belief that everything is ok. In other news, coffee gives me the runs. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
2:06 pm	I'm starting to realize that any day i really pursue it, I can find life to be thrilling. It doesnt' take much at all, just some peace and solitude. I laid in the sun on our hard wood deck today for a half hour. It was tremendously uncomfortable. I thought about people who have died from heat. I felt awful for them. It's such a hopeless feeling, to have sweat dripping down your face, just clinging to your body, losing all your energy, knowing it's only going to get slower and heavier. Luckily i chose not to die out there. Right now i'm reading a book about ten different playwrights. It's a good book, but it's so frustrating, it's like watching a "making-of" documentary for a movie you already have. After a while, you can't take all the commentary, you just want to see the movie for yourself. This goddamn book is going to force me to re-read all of the plays i've already read this summer, just because i'm curious. That'll be at least another week that i can't read Garfield, Out to Lunch. I have been able to deal with every thought and feeling i've had now for months. I don't understand. This is a completely different mind than i've ever had before. For years, i identified myself as being fickle and out of control. Now the only thing i can't grab hold of and direct is my desire to be stoned. But i know that i can, it will just take some work and cajoling. I don't know what i prefer, having control, or having none. Just letting my head go where it wants, recreating the world. I think if i have the right kind of control, then i can recreate the world whenever i want, and come back whenever i want. I just need a healthier diet. I'm not going anywhere without a healthier diet. Why do men like women in lingerie? It's so brittle. I prefer someone in a canvas tarp. You can throw them down a spiral staircase and they won't know the difference. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
8:02 pm	I feel a very strong desire for two things right now. Playing frisbee, and making fuck. I want those things to happen within an hour of each other. I'm not hungry, i took care of that. And i don't really want to smoke anything, i've taken care of that for weeks. I'm very surprised that i'm horny...that hasn't happened in some time. I haven't been attracted to anything besides all of the old reliable fantasies. And even they've been suffering, batting about .300 i'd say. I will not rest this evening until i've played frisbee and made fuck with something. I'll settle for fucking myself, but only if it's damn good. Mood lighting, ladie's attire, early 90s chili peppers. Yeahh... (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 15th, 2006
4:38 pm	there's a naked man on the run in the woods behind my house. The cops have been searching for him all day. My mother saw a cop in dunkin donuts and asked him, "So, have you got your man yet?" the cop said, "No, ma'am" This is all so funny!! hahaha, a cop car just drove past my window. they're just driving around, hoping that the naked man will be so silly as to amble across the street. My god, i have to find the naked man. I know where to look in the woods. I will find him, and i will help him. If i get to him first, the cops won't ever nab him. I must meet this naked man. We have a connection. If my next journal entry isn't about my adventure with the naked fugitive, then i resign my life. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
3:23 pm	I am getting sick it seems. I have work in a half hour it seems. If i want this night to be bearable, i will have to make it into a game. In this video game, i see how fast i can move to get shit out of a kitchen, and repeat this until i make 150 dollars. If i win, then i go home and collapse into bed. If i lose, i go home and collapse into bed surrounded by a dark cloud of bitterness. Either way i hope i have a wet dream. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
7:08 pm	I came up with a great image to use today. It's one of those really catchy ones that you know will stick, like the use of hammers in The Wall. My image is that of vultures. It came from an idea i had of walking past my grandmother's room and seeing vultures on the upstairs bannister staring at the door. Just a few minutes ago i decided that those vultures can be used for most people, and for several different purposes. I can use vultures to represent decay and a lack of life in people, a "ticking clock" if you will. I can use them to represent scavenging and the most gruesome level of competition, a real 'fuck you' to darwinism and the coldness of life that so many embrace and see as respectable. I also came up with a neat image after walking through the "nature preserve" behind my house. You see, people in allendale go back there in order to be a part of nature. What i realized is that every part of the preserve that people go to is purposely set apart from nature. There is a manmade path winding through the forest and lake in a practial oval. There are lookout posts and benches. One never has to touch nature in the slightest. It didn't even look like a path as i went through there, it looked like a city street. It may as well have been. Also, i walked through one field where there was no path (i'm sure i could have gotten into trouble for doing so), and i heard layers upon layers of birdcalls. unfortunately, they kept getting interrupted by the blaring honk of a train. So in conclusion, my image that i want to write about is the woods in allendale gathering up into a big ball and enveloping the town as it rolls around. Bergen county will be taken. I think it will be good. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
3:58 pm	Hello! And welcome to the 2006 O'Koren Health and Sobriety Campaign! Two nights ago, while laying on a bridge in the middle of the woods, incapacitated and finding difficulty to breathe, thinking about how just hours before i had picked up a small dog and let it fall from five feet off the ground (everyone was terribly upset), I concluded that I have a problem with drugs. Over the course of this summer, I've reduced myself to a low state of energy and health that i haven't dealt with since the very beginning of high school. In an effort to actually feel good again, I am suspending all smoking and drinking until i feel it will be a good occasion to indulge in one or both. Hopefully this will not be for a few weeks at the very least. I have been sober for about a day and a half. It feels spectacular. My energy blossomed today. I did some drumming, plenty of stretching, went for a run, and just felt...healthy. I like this. I want to ride this and see where it takes me. The campaign has started in allendale, new jersey. We'll be moving northeast for a few days to enjoy a retreat in the legless town of cheshire, and then it's off to a national tour. Come check out a book signing in a major city near you. Keep in mind that the caravan is not prepared to cross the mississippi, because the 2006 O'Koren Health and Sobriety Campaign does not believe in manifest destiny. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
6:58 pm	I just found this in my day to day calendar...i wrote it a few days before school ended. 'I think we have just enough intelligence to convince ourselves that our minds are sacred and special. Our system of emotions drugs us into thinking that we're magical, so magical that only a GOD could have created us. The arrogance is stunning. But then again we're also pushed in the direction of hating ourselves. Capitalism leaves you always wanting more, always beating yourself up for falling short. Most religions make you into a wretch begging for god's mercy. So i guess what we are then is a bunch of inefficient incapable sinful wicked gloriously magical beings carefully crafted on the easle of God. We must preserve every human life we can find.' (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 1st, 2006
12:55 pm	I wrote this poem, and i really like it. Misdirection. Soup can on a billboard it’s the lord, terra cotta believers bring ashes to the deceivers, mark the dates tectonic plates want your babies pretty ladies, take em in droves, daily bread hot loaves. Religion of politics try to fix always fixing slitting throats undertaking people, free the people, blessed people, sacred hearts service starts at conception, blessed erection, mother’s milk and father’s money all for you honey. Grow up strong, cavemen vitamins, education a sports team, “what does faggot mean?” you’re normal stay normal vote normal, balanced food human pyramid two dates on the lid, get rid of kit kats, sat fats, this and that now just relax and have some snacks Long day gotta pay for a smile take that acne off your face, erase it clean up, slim down, comb around find another penny, caught in the gears the year of our lord two thousand six, try to fix always fixing a stitch in time, keep yours got mine it’s green and it shines and I’ll wait for the one, two sons and a girl it’s the end of the world and I will travel, immortal, a fat face behind the eyes of the terra cotta believers, a drop of red wine on a black carpet, a misdirected conceiver. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
12:47 am	I did not like my last entry. It was fickle. I'm not going on a mental vacation...that doesn't solve anything. I don't mind being unhappy or uncomfortable...it will help me deal with shit much better than if i'm looking around through a smile. My mother thinks i'm an alcoholic because i like to drink. I think she's a worrisome puppet who doesn't think. My father is "concerned" about me because i haven't called him much recently, and because i dont' want to go on vacation this year. I didn't call because i'm always working, or becoming intoxicated in order to forget about working. I don't want to go on vacation because i have no choice but to keep working. Actually, i do have a choice. If i really want to, i can ask Ron to pay for my rent this year, and i won't need to worry about anything. But i can't do that. I know that it's possible for me to make at least 3 grand at the olive pit, and i don't want to take that from him. I found my beanie babies two days ago. I will play with them tonight, and there will be a lot of fighting, but we'll all learn something before we go to bed. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
10:47 pm	I had a conversation last night with a friend from home. It began with him describing to me all of the "issues" he has been dealing with lately, and his thoughts on life, on motivation, and on his performance in life thus far. Everything he said was shallow to me, everything was money, and success, and fulfilling his potential. It was like being at a corporate meeting. Make efficient use of time, cover all your bases, dont' settle for anything less than excellence. I listened the whole time, i didn't even want to object. When he was finished, i just said, "You've said at least five or six times, "Well, this is life." So david, what do you think about death?" He immediately and fervently responded, "I don't. I never do. Nobody should think about that. You gotta appreciate life." But is he appreciating life by denying one of the most necessary parts of it? If you ignore death, then in a way you see yourself as only present, always existing, moment by moment. By doing so, the structure of your society becomes everything. If you really think about the reality of death, it puts everybody in the exact same position, and that completely unravels the importance of one's structured model of the world. Humans are not magical, nothing is magical, everything that lives will die, no matter how successful, no matter how efficient, and no matter how much of a legacy one leaves with others. My ending is the same as that of a fruit fly. Now there are several directions i can go from here. I can become depressed, feel that nothing matters, and mope around. I can be an absurdist and a hedonist and simply indulge in whatever i can because i know i'm going to be nothing eventually. I think that what i plan to do is see every living thing as equal to me, we've all got the same lot. I don't know what the hell anything means right now, i'm in a mental and emotional void it feels like, and it's tearing me apart. But at least i have that, that feeling of common ground with every living thing. Somebody please tell me why they do the things they do. I need to hear somebody else's opinion. And please don't let it just be capitalist jargon. None of this family shit. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
7:47 pm	If only the olive garden knew what sort of things i wear under their corporate uniform...if only... (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
11:10 pm	My sister's ex boyfriend's mother died today. Giving her such a title makes her seem insignificant. But she's not. She's everything in the world to a handful of people. But i see funerals happening all the time. Hell, there's a thriving business for them. As far as emotional attachment, this woman was nothing to me. But she means something different. Hearing about her death has made me think about life even harder. I can't get this out of my head, because i can't convince myself that there's anything more important to think about. I'm not fearing death right now...i just don't get it. I can't get it. I'll never get it. Having a mind and being conscious puts up a wall between me and death. Even being asleep gives me no idea about what is going to happen. I can't measure importance and value anymore. All the labels and suggested amounts of success and experience are gone, i'm looking at glass bottles, and they all look the same. Christ, when i was stupid earlier this year, all i thought about were hookups and rugby. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
10:40 pm	I'm leaving the show, and i'm going into the celery farm. When the celery farm ends, i'm going into people's backyards, and from there i will keep riding my bike. When i was a child, i caught a fleeting glimpse, out of the corner of my eye. i turned to look but it was gone, i cannot put my finger on it now, the child is grown, the dream is gone. I've found a new dream, and it's a chord that nobody has ever heard before, and god knows if i can figure it out. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
7:16 pm	I keep looking for meaning in things, and i am still frustrated. I refuse to take the route of saying, "well, there's no use in looking for meaning in EVERYthing! Just go to the beach and have a good time! You owe it to yourself!" fucking A, no. One of the patterns i kept seeing when i went on my road trip was that people's behaviors were so absurd in their learnedness. Everything i see fits a pattern, and everything i do is within my own pattern. I can't just be satisfied with this. I don't want this. I'm going to play outside by myself for a while and think things over. Maybe when i come back i'll have a longer entry. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 5th, 2006
10:03 am	god god dammit dammit i woke up at 815 today for work. i got there at 930, and found out i didn't have to be there until noon. Mother fucker. That's all i can say and think, and now it's done, there's nothing i can do. i had the opportunity to actually sleep today, and be on a good track for the whole week. Now it's ruined. So i will drink hot water, and go downstairs and sing and play piano, because i'll be damned if i'm going to wake up early for no reason. I had to stop at the bank in allendale this morning. I hate the people that live in allendale. I had to wait in line behind a cop who felt that he was a "good man" and respectable member of the community because of his utility belt, a woman with fat arms who was holding a 2 or 3 year old in one arm and a designer kate spade purse in the other, and a fucking suit who looked like richard belzer with the all black business attire, talking with fiscal confidence on his cell phone while his 5 year old daughter toddled around behind him, somehow looking up to this. I cut off his mercedes suv as i was leaving the parking lot. I'm sure he said something on the phone like, "now what's THIS asshole doing?" Allendale is shit, thank god i have a car. (4 Comments |Comment on this)